Half Term

Today marked the end of the first half of what can only be described as a fairly average half term. It involved more tedious learning by the usual methods of note taking, dictation, the infamous "lecture style presentation" and occasionally the delights of the educational video.

I just want you all to know that I am not going to be updating this all the time, no doubt I will grow bored of all your charming company sooner or later, and you will realise that you really ought to be doing something more productive with your life rather than spending it on Facebook and a teenage blog about how boring life is. Unless however, you are a teenage boy, in which case your tabs will be Facebook and a pornography site, so I may add that your right hand does not count as grounds to change your relationship status to "it’s complicated".

Anyway, I find it hard to blog and maintain the facade of wit and sophisticated humour, because this isn't a two way thing. In the big wide, and frankly dull, world, my humour revolves around shredding people, and making witty remarks based on what others have said. For obvious reasons, or for those who are mentally retarded not so obvious, I can't do this on a blog, which contains basically my hands just whirring across the keyboard typing literally what comes into my head. The chances are I hate you. I probably detest everything you are, yet in the most hypocritical way possible I urge you to tell both of your friends about this blog for traffic here is always welcome, if not necessarily a wise way to spend your time.

This half term I am going to New York to watch the Giants play the Bills. American Football is one of my great passions, alongside cricket, and mentally torturing those less intellectually gifted than myself. I'm just going for the weekend, and staying in New Jersey, but even so I think it'll be a great weekend, certainly better than your weekend, which is likely going to be awful. Hold back the protestations that you are going out to get 'lashed and laid' because the chances are you're not, and even if you are, it'll probably be with someone who's taking sympathy on you or doing it for a dare. In the incredible instance that someone who reads my blog actually gets laid with a real life person, who actually wants to be having sex with you, then don't bother emailing me or commenting on this, because your sex life is currently sitting in my interests list just below Ed Milliband's plans for bringing forward long-term investment projects, and I can assure you that Ed Milliband could quite happily cease to exist without my noticing, or indeed caring.

Being the incredibly charming and talented boy that I am, I was talking to some females outside school today, and after I had concluded holding court, I went into my classroom to face another day of dreary learning (it involved two videos, going through a test which I cruised, reading Shakespeare whilst discussing the merits of showing the sex scene in a 12a film, a test and something else which had the mental stimulus of reading my Facebook friends statuses.). I was met by my form teacher, who I seriously question whether he is old enough to be teaching. Think a Thunderbird puppet, with Robert Pattinson's hair. He took great glee in prising out the information from me, under the charade that it was somehow going to benefit me if I told this man all. I love the guy, he only ever does what's right for us, the kids. Which when you think about it shouldn't be something which makes you like someone, because after all, I am paying him to do that, so I expect that he would do his job to a satisfactory level.

I was looking at the views of this blog, when I saw that I had some views from Bulgaria (thank you wherever you are Aleksandar). I turned round to inform my Dad of this, to which his reply was, "Well you'll soon have a poison tipped umbrella up your arse then son". It's glad to know that I'm being raised in an enlightened and stereotype free way.

Anyway, that is all from me for now you'll be glad to hear. Thanks for visiting, but I'm not joking this time, I wasn't last time, seriously, find something better to do.

Much love as always,

Chris

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Me : In the Eyes of Others

Before I introduce you all to the realities of a boring posh teenage life I must let you all get to know me first. I thought that I could be egotistical and write a bullshit description of myself saying how amazing I am, but then I thought that I would ask some of my mates, who will remain anonymous, to send me a description of me through their eyes. Please note that these haven't been touched or changed at all, so if the grammars shit then don't complain to me, because frankly I don't care.  So below, here they are:

"If you didn't know Chris and saw him the street the thing that would come to mind was if you were a girl "CHGKVJLFSDHJBGSD HE'S HOT" and if you were a boy "What kind of twat wears a suit to school?". But as you get to know him, he's not so one sided. He may be arrogant, egotistical and posh, but he is sweet, thoughtfull and one hell of a witty boy."

"Chris is probably one of the most confident individuals that I have met. He possesses numerous qualities which not only set him aside on the cricket field, but off it as well. His sheer determination and will to succeed is evident and examplafied by the fact that he his always thinking about the game and it's situation. He is not afraid to voice his opinions and thoughts, which are valued by everyone in the team environment. He also has a witty sense of humour and everyone enjoys his company."


"Chris Beaumont-Dark is one of the most stereotypical “lads” you’ll ever meet, with an obsession of cricket and “banter” matched by few others. The difference, he is one of the “top lads”, one of the guys the other lads strive to be. He may dress like a faggot and be a posh, racist, Tory prick, but you’ve gotta admit it – the kids got massive balls. Always on hand to provide a great sickipedia joke, and with the ability to come out with some outrageously witty remarks, it’s hard not to have an opinion on the guy."

"Chris Beamount-Dark, a man who is never short of an opinion, a man who prides himself on outwitting anyone who comes before him. A man of many phrases, the classic "as many as" and the everpresent "are you crying ?". Has seen many a person crumble at his own hands. A man who deals in the six times table while at the crease with his ever fashionable GM equipment."

"With a 1960’s Beatles haircut, the left arm orthodox of a Dorridge 4th teamer, and the batting technique of Chris Martin, you might think there’s not much hope for this ill equipped youth. However, with the ability to out banter even those most intelligent 15 year old morons, making pulling a bird look as hard as pulling a train and the possession of a jacket that’s more suitable for David Lloyd George, Christopher Henry Bartholemew Beaumont Dark is amongst the finest posh boys in the country. With opinions ranging from why you should vote Toe-rag (torys) to whose the next best England keeper-batsmen, CHBBD makes compelling arguments for a number of irrelevant, unimportant and uninteresting topics. For those who think they can out knowledge and or banter him, this is the blog for you to try and fail on, although it is worth a go for the general bants. With his closest pals, David, Nick, George and Brosnan on hand to give support and advice you can be sure that this will be one for the ages. Up the wolves."

"At the same time the cleverest and stupidest person I know. I naturally get along with him, probably better than with most of my other friends. His comments are brilliant, he's lovely when he wants to be and I know he cares. He can be a twat but it's ok cos I know how to handle him now. He's a good guy underneath all the wit and we'll always have our connection."

"Chris Beaumont-Dark is, indisputably, the biggest twat I have ever met. His superiority complex, ego and lack of tact make him a complete and utter prick, but, despite this, he is a god of all banter, and a shining example to all those who wish to one day be a master of the teachings of 'LAD'. He will always have something outrageous to say and someone to ridicule. His outspoken political penchant will never cease to astound and appal, and for this, he is one of the most loved and respected lads, mainly for being such a cocky fucker."

 So that's a quick introduction to me and who I am. I won't introduce you to my next few posts because I have no idea what they are going to be. Thanks for reading, but surely you have somethign better to be doing with your valuable time?

Chris

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